Livin for the moment

Don't hate me, for I didn't mean to do it.
Don't love me, cause trust me babe...I'm not worth it.

I would like to think that I am the lovey dovey, girly girl that really only needs your patience and loyalty. But honestly..I am a jaded, cynical, pessimistic, version of the doe eyed, hopeful, girly girl I left behind the 1st time my heart broke.

I made up my mind a long time ago that I no longer wanted to be the one crying, hopeless, loveless, picking up the pieces that used to be my love and faith in you. I obsessed over all of them....sleepless, painful, soul aching nights, wondering what I said or did, that made you do me that way. I went through every text, email, voicemail, and letter that always read the same affection for me...But now all I hear and see is anger, and not the same person I used to cherish. What made me so different? What made them so much better? Even after hearing your reasoning it still never added up. And once my logical side crashes after realizing that its not an equation with only one answer, I am left with my emotions.

I can't be left alone with them....I am afraid of my emotions. They don't listen to ME!!! They do the opposite of everything my brain tells them to do!! They wake me up at night with memories of you, memories of the things you said, memories of us, memories of what I was. They sneak up on me when I work, cook, and eat. Taunting me that what I once had is lost and in the arms of another. Not because I did anything wrong...but because you are to insecure to allow me to ever hurt you....the way you just hurt me.

Naw bay I can't be that chick again.

You can call me a bitch but that word is already burnt in my brain, right next to my name, and it carries no pain.

You can call me a flake, but I really don't care, and was never fully there, so stop wasting all your air.

You can't say it wasn't fun while it lasted, or that I led you on, cause baby I live in the moment & now...our moment is gone.

Her Poetry....My feelings

4.13.2009

If I fell like this to the end of the world, would you catch me?
Of corse not. Because I don’t need you too.
And even if you attempted too I’m sure I’d push you away and give some sarcastic narcissistic comment like I don’t need your help I can handle this!
Knowing damn well I can’t.
But I’m too stubborn. To ask for help.
I always have been.
It’s not pride but an overwhelming reluctance to give in
Because subconsciously I have a point to prove to absolutely nobody
That I can do this on my own.
Because then maybe I’ll be worth all the shit everyone’s ever done for me.
Not that I owe them anything, but just so that I know it was effort well spent
Because the Aquarius in me needs to please everybody and the Pisces in me needs balance and complimentary function ability
So as to say that one day I’ll return the favor.
Or maybe, I’m just trippin...
Again.
Yea, maybe.
I do that sometimes.

Ashton Mari

photo by sean lyles

Killing me softly...

Have you ever felt like someone that you don't know, knows you? The writings & poems of a complete stranger have sent chills up my back. I have seen those words...... I have felt, cried, loved, died and screamed those words.

This women has captured every deep emotion I have ever tried to suppress. She rescued a women I had hidden away in a far off tower, that I left for dead. And while reading all these entries and poems and blogs all I heard in the background was Lauryn Hill singing "Stromin my pain with his fingers, Singin my life with his words, Killing me softly with his song, Killing me softly with his song, Telling my whole life with his words, Killing me softly with his song "

This women doesn't know me, nor I her. But she has to be one of the greatest writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading. She has truly inspired me....to be the person I used to be. Not the person I have become from all the shit I went through. A true artist: Ashton Mari

I am speechless.....and her writings have touched a special place in my heart